I’ve never really understood why people love Gleneagles so much. It seems by turn pretentious and old-fashioned to me but I know lots of people who absolutely love it. Anyway I am not a fan but I was hoping the new spa would make me one….

I was so disappointed. It started off well, the reception area is rather nice in a department store kind of way and very spacious but it soon went downhill. I particularly disliked the hydrotherapy pool. It has no view, you look on to frosted glass. Hydrotherapy pools always feel a little claustrophobic to me when there is vista to look on to. Worse still, the sauna overlooks the pool so, inevitably, you end up making awkward eye contact with a hot body (I mean temperature-wise) above you (not literally). Perhaps you’ll find this relaxing or enjoyable, I’m a lapsed Catholic – it didn’t really work for me.

The spa courtyard feels cold and pretty uninviting as a place to “chill”. That warm cocooning feeling you get in the best spas is really important to me if I am going to spend any time in a place. It was seriously missing here. The food was nice but the restaurant area was a bit cramped and, again, felt a bit cold. There are some places you don’t mind sitting around in your bathrobe, here I felt a bit silly.

My therapist left a lot to be desired. She diagnosed my dosha by asking me if I liked hot weather (not really) and if I l burned easily (yes). She then said these two things plus the fact that I like things just so (news to me – last time I looked I was a complete bodger, “that’ll do” could be my middle names), anyway these three things meant I was… I think it was pitta, I didn’t really bother to pay attention. I was too busy thinking how handy it was that 5,000 years of the ancient art of ayurvedic medicine could be distilled into a Heat magazine-style multiple choice. The Ayurvedic massage was actually very enjoyable but her credibility was shot by then. I’d rather she’d just got on with the treatment and not pretended to know anything about the philosophy behind it.  Perhaps they have dropped the pseudo science bit now. Hope so.

I didn’t like the swimming pool either. It’s got fake palm trees, it’s like something out of a cheap theme park… but, hey, like I say lots of people love this place so if you want to go, don’t let me stop you.

PROS

• The spa products are Espa, this is a very good British range
• The hotel itself has brilliant facilities for children, it’s even got mini jeeps for them to drive
• It’s the only place where I have seen a man in traditional plus fours at breakfast – that’s got to be worth something surely

CONS

• Don’t get me started. Oh damn, I can’t stop… the spa staff are nice but the hotel service is a bit obsequious too

Best for: partners of those on a jolly

Want more info? Visit the website www.gleneagles.com/home