The world of well-being is not a participation sport. Avoid couples treatments at all cost. They are simply a ruse by spas whose building design means they have been left with one or two larger treatment rooms, so they stick in an extra bed and try to convince us this is romance. But why would any right-minded woman sacrifice quality me time for him indoors?

First, you’re forced to listen as he tells his masseur about his recurrent hamstring injury, going into unnecessary detail about how he aggravated it two years ago stretching to (nearly) score the winning goal in the final of some obscure pub-league tournament (if she’s foreign, she’s smiling but probably not understanding a word he’s saying anyway… lucky her). Then, you have to endure his grunts of pain until the therapist gets the pressure right, followed by his occasional, extremely embarrassing groans of pleasure. Finally, and often ruining those precious last moments, you realise your beloved must be  truly relaxed… because he’s snoring.